Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Why is your sense of touch poor when you are sick?
Because you don't feel well.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
Women only have two complaints: Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
How do hockey players kiss?
They just pucker up!
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Then there was a woman, who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If at first you don't succeed, try looking in the waste basket for the directions.
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied, the beauty of the place had struck him.
Are giraffes good pets or are they too high maintenance?
If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
I continually asked the track coach about joining the team but he just kept giving me the run-around.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Which president was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent
What did the cotton plant say to the farmer?
"Stop picking on me!"
Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section
How do you keep elephants from charging?
Take away their credit cards
A fish is an underwater creature that grows fastest between the time it is caught
and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.
Congratulations. You got through all the phone menus and hold music to an actual person. However, I'm just the cleaning lady here.
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up.
Golf is a game that was invented to punish those who retire early.
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.