Joke Of The Day

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Rain is the one thing that the British do better than anybody else.

Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

You can tell that you might be a lousy driver if your GPS announces, "In 300 ft., pull over and LET ME OUT!"

On the eighth day God created coffee, so that people like me could experience the other seven days.

Patience is what you have when there are too many witnesses.

You are only young once. After that, you have to think up another excuse.

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Why did the student eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What reptile enforces the law in Canada?
A Mountie Python.

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Fingernails!

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station

What’s the difference between a soaking wet day and a lion with a toothache?
One is pouring with rain, and the other is roaring with pain.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

What is the opposite of a restaurant?
A worker ant

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the power company said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

How do you drive a baby buggy?
You tickle its feet!

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect', so whenever I forget, the computer will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."


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